Deep Breaths...

Big thank you to everyone for the cards, visits, gifts, food, e-mails, texts, phone calls, and encouraging words, thoughts, & prayers this week!! It's amazing how much easier it is to get through something when you are supported, so thank you!! 

So it's been a week already!! Can't believe it.  

My experience was as such.....

The few days before surgery I could tell my lung had collapsed further as it was becoming more painful, harder to breathe, as well as pressing on my airway...not so fun, so it was a blessing the surgery happened when it did.  

I was mentally prepped by my amazing roommies the night prior by a seranade of guitar and singing, my mom also came in late that night to be here through it all.  I mostly felt it hard to believe it was finally time, and that it was actually happening.  

Tuesday morning, after a lovely shower with surgical scrub, we made our way to the hospital, checked in, & waited maybe 5 minutes before they called me to my pre-op room.  Here they checked vitals, asked pre-admission questions, took some labs, started IV's, took a pregnancy test (required of all females, no ideas please:) I was then visited by person after person explaining what their part in the surgery was going to be.  The anesthesiologist, their resident, their student, the nurse, some guy who was asking permission that if any tissue samples were taken during surgery they could use them for research, as well as the surgeon; who the more I talked to him had complete confidence in him.  Very personable and caring....

The last thing I remembered of course was them telling me they were going to put something in my IV to help me relax.  Pretty sure I was out in 3 seconds before I could even say goodbye to anyone. 

Who knows what happened the next couple hours...

I remember waking up wondering when they were going to finally get started, but quickly realized it was over and was glad I didn't have to be conscious during any of it.  Shortly after the recovery room I was wheeled to my own private room...major answer to prayer as almost every room on that unit was a double room.  I had a great view of the University of Minnesota Campus and even got to experience a thunderstorm one morning through the very large windows. 

The first evening was great in some ways because I had expected it to be sooo much worse based on what I had been reading about it so I was very pleased with the amount of pain I was in.  The worst part was probably attempting to get up to the bathroom as whenever I would get up I felt like I was going to pass out and had a huge chest tube with suction coming out one side and two IV's on the other.  Maneuvering all those machines and tubings while feeling lightheaded and weak make for some interesting experiences. 

The rest of the time went well for the most part.  Only other thing that wasn't so great was when they changed my pain medication, the next day I was completely out of it, had incredible nausea and the worst headache i've ever had in my life.  Taking the chest tube out was one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me.  It was SUCH a pain dragging that thing with me everywhere while working with the therapists in the hallway, and most of the pain went away as soon as they took it out.  Thanks to my dad for braving it through watching the Dr. pull out the chest tube.  

I discharged home Saturday morning, and for the most part of been doing great. I  haven't taken any pain meds since they took the chest tube out.  Granted I could at times, but I hate pills. Worst part since being home has been sleeping.  Finding a position that's comfortable is a problem even with 5 pillows.  I've been out and about with my mom, but am limited to lifting anything more than 10 lbs for awhile and get fatigued a little easier than normal as my body is in healing mode.  The plan Lord willing, is to return to work next Tuesday on "lite-duty," meaning no lifting patients for a couple more weeks.  I'll get to experience more of the office duties at work, and then hopefully I'll never have to experience a collapsed lung again:)

On the other side of things, it was definitely weird being the patient instead of the nurse. I definitely learned some tips as to what can really be calming to a patient and what can make them really uncomfortable.  Pretty sure I made some people nervous asking so many questions, watching their every move, and had a lovely experience with a student nurse one day.  I definitely recommend if you ever have to be in the hospital to bring someone to stay with you who knows a thing or two about healthcare.  I had it really good since my mom who's an Emergency Room nurse was there for most of it and basically did everything anyways.  I really have no complaints about the staff, they were all wonderful as well as the thoracic surgery team who paid visits twice a day.  

So, now that I'm home I'm starting to process things.... I know God had a plan in all this and I'd like to make sure I take the time to listen to what He has to teach me. I heard a quote the other day from a father about his young daughter.  That she could fall down and hurt herself even when he's walking right beside her.  That doesn't mean he allowed it to happen, she knows that with her father's unconditional love, he'll pick her up and carry her, he'll try to heal her, he'll cry when she cries, and rejoice when she is well. In all the moments of my life, God has been right there beside me.  The truth about God's love is not that he allows hard things to happen, but that He promises to be with us when they do. 

Very comforting words to hear in times as such! 

Here are some pics of the whole experience....don't look if you get sick looking at that kind of stuff:)

The two incisions...

The chest tube...

Good Book..

This week I read the book "Under the Overpass," by Mike Yankoski. Mike & His friend Sam, normal middle class people decided to put a hold on their lives & set out on the streets as one of the homeless to truly experience what it would be like to have nothing.  To really feel what it's like to give up everything and follow the Lord, and to see what it really means to trust in him for every last penny.  GREAT book for anyone interested in inner city justice issues or who are simply curious what it's like to be homeless, what the conditions are like, and how you are treated by everyday people and worse yet how most Christians overlook how God tells us to serve the poor.  Definitely changed how I see homeless people through my eyes. 

 My favorite quote from the book..

"We hear a Christian assure someone that he will "pray over" his problem, knowing full well that he intends to use prayer as a substitute for service.  It is much easier to pray that a poor friend's needs may be supplied than to supply them."  A.W. Tozer

Surgery date...

April 20th is the date! Now that it's scheduled I just want it to happen so that I can start healing and get on with my life.  

I had dinner with a wise woman the other night who was talking to a friend and I about "singleness" and allowing God to use that time for His good.  She didn't get married until later in life, and was telling us that we have that expectation that when you get married you think that that desire or longing we had for companionship and love will be fulfilled, that we wouldn't feel that "lonely" feeling that some people can get when they don't have a significant other.  She said that that really doesn't go away once you get married, and you will always have that longing for something greater, something more. 

Though I'm not married, I could really make that pertain to my life now. I have definitely recognized this with all that's happened in the last couple weeks.  When a bend in the road occurs in my life, I tend to cling to friends and family to help give strength and to get peace from any anxieties.  While those anxieties are lessened for a very brief time, those fears ultimately are still buried deep inside.  People can try to convince you that you'll be ok, that you're not worried which is great and somewhat helpful, but in the end I never fully feel fulfilled or satisfied. This something greater is something  only God can fulfill.  He's the only one who fully knows me down to the number of hairs on my head, He's the only one who can know exactly how I feel, and exactly what I fear.  He's the only one who can really take away those fears.  I have felt more of a desperation for Him through this, and  I have that to be thankful for.  My heart is filled by Him, and I find peace in that. 

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:28-31 NKJV)

Quick Update..

I had a CT this morning to make sure there wasn't something else causing my lung to collapse, and praise the Lord there wasn't.  They did say it's still slightly collapsed, but less than 10%.  The surgeon was nice, seemed to know what he was talking about, & took time to answer questions which is a blessing after experience with other doctors that I wasn't quite impressed with.   I've talked to a few more doctors at work who know him and say I'll be in good hands...very encouraging.  So..they said they'll let me know in the next couple days when surgery will be..they're thinking in 2-3 weeks.  I'd be in the hospital 2-5 days, assuming there are no complications & that I should be completely healed and back to my old self within a month. Anyways, thanks for all your encouraging words, and prayers...I'll let you know when the date will be! 

Jacobs Well..

Today I tried out a new church called Jacob’s Well.  Obviously I can’t tell from one service whether I will call that my new church home, but it was interesting because I felt as though the pastor was speaking right to me and it was what I needed to hear today.  He talked about when you’ve hit a wall and how to get through that. 

The past couple months I’ve been struggling with wondering why on earth God chose me. What do I have to offer to Him who is perfect and mighty?  I do not deserve His love at all after continuously ignoring Him, and continuously not striving to seek Him.  A few weeks ago I hit that wall of feeling stuck and not being able to get past where my life has been spiritually and crossing that bridge to the other side of what I want and know it should be.  In the sermon, the pastor talked about when we hit a wall, we need to go through it.  In Matthew 16 it says,

 From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must…be killed, and on the third day be raised.  And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.”  But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan!  You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting you mind not on divine thigs but on human things.”

 Satan is causing me to be so focused on earthly things that I just can’t see past it.  Getting past the wall isn’t about doing more or finding more solutions, it’s about becoming new with God.  Problems can not be solved by the same level of awareness that created them.  At the wall, God abandons you.  You will be supported, but it is you that needs to make the step.  At the wall, God waits for you on the other side.  On the other side of the wall is hope and life. 

 Jesus says “For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” Mathhew 16:25

 Do you see what this means-all the pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it.  Strip down, start running-and never quit!  No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins.  Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in.  Study how he did it.  Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God-he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever.  And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.

We then walked through a labyrinth.  The entrance being a place to stop and reflect on your intentions for the spiritual walk you are about to take.  The walk around the design symbolizing the letting go of your old life, as you approach the center I felt as though I was walking as a bride toward God in the center, my humble creator and Father, approaching Him for help &  guidance.  Walking out takes us back to our lives, empowered to be more of who God has created us to be.  

 At the end of the service the band was all giddy about something under their sleeves...suddenly they started singing  “Hold my Hand” by Hootie and the Blowfish.  Funny how some songs if you picture it in a different way it can totally pertain to God. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoW3bqnr7tw

Life...

For those of you who know me, you know that my life does not revolve around drama.  Drama, however, is what my life seems to be the last month or so.  I'll start with storyline #1. 

Basically since I started my current job, I have been thinking about what my next job will entail.  However, I allowed myself to keep with it, mainly because of the fact that I love my co-workers, I could never ask for better ones, and I can definitely say I have learned a lot.  I finally got to a point this year where I told myself I wasn't going to do this anymore, wanted to stop doing things that I didn't understand why I was doing them, and that I was going to stop convincing myself otherwise.  I felt a tug towards working with children, as I feel that is an area I am passionate about and would enjoy doing day to day.  I also wanted to get out of the hospital system, mainly due to all the politics...makes me stressed just thinking about that place.  

So anyways, I e-mailed a woman in charge of hiring school nurses within the Minneapolis Public School system, and asked her basically since they seem to only hire nurses with experience in the school system, how I could get myself in the door.  I was thankful for her e-mail as she was very helpful in the process of getting all these different licenses, and also recommended that I work with children in some other form of healthcare such as a camp nurse.  

Camp nursing has always been something that I had an interest in doing someday, so I thought I'd go for it.  I applied at one and only one camp...a sweet camp in Pagosa Springs Colorado by the name of Sonlight Christian Camp.  I enjoyed my interview, loved what I heard about the camp, and as soon as I hung up the phone with the Camp Director became really excited to get away from my everyday life and enjoy a summer in the beautiful mountains surrounded by fun little children needing a little TLC, and joined by an encouraging staff who would allow me to grow in my faith in God.  

Well, shortly after this interview came a little bend in the road.  A good friend from high school called and asked if I wanted to backpack Europe with her and her sister this summer.  Instantly I was conflicted.  Who ever has two sweet options right before them?  After many conversations, and loss of sleep, i ended up choosing Europe thinking that another opportunity to go to Europe with great easy-going people, who are experienced travelers, wanting to go to the same countries as I, wouldn't come around again for quite some time.  I then started looking for some shorter summer camps to work at post trip to Europe, or the possibility of volunteering for a couple weeks at a camp in order to still get somewhat of a camp nursing experience that I know I still want...

Again, there comes another bend in the road...

Some of you may know that back in October after an exhilarating weekend of trick-or-treating with the kiddos, my family and I were relaxing getting ready to watch an exciting Vikings game, and I ended up ruining the party by having to make a trip to the ER.  Luckily, my mom got to be my nurse:)  I had chest pain, resembling a heart attack...I know, sounds crazy, I'm only 25 right? Well, after lots of heart tests, turns out it was my lungs rather, and after getting over the flu a couple weeks prior, I had developed pleurisy (fluid around the lungs) which can cause symptoms that resemble a heart attack.  So, I rested up, thought I was healed, came home, went on a blind date rock climbing (this is whole nother story), and had it happen again when were leaving the place, only this time I didn't freak out because I knew what it was, so I rested again, thought I was healed, played on my soccer league a couple weeks later and had it happen again...GASP!!.  Well, I rested again thinking it just needed more time and luckily it didn't come back...kinda forgot about it actually.   

Until....I was painting our living room this week and again.....it happened.  Grrrr....The next day at the Dr, had an X-Ray, which showed a pneumothorax (collapsed lung).  No one looking at me would have guessed it, I wasn't short of breath or anything, but I definitely felt the pain when it happened!!! So, my Dr referred me to a lung specialist...wasn't impressed (yet another story), who after asking me maybe 5 questions after talking with the resident fellow told me I had to have surgery to repair the weakened lining of the lung, especially if I ever planned on flying or deep sea scuba diving anytime in my life.  Wasn't expecting that one, especially after my Dr. told me I'd probably just have to do a breathing treatment.  I didn't even have questions prepared for that kind of recommendation, not that he would have answered them anyway, as he was hurrying me out the door.  But, believe me I have a list of questions for the surgeon next Wednesday, and have been busy asking Dr's I work with their opinions.

So...not quite sure what God is trying to tell me here, but I sure am confused.  When I had two great options for the summer, now I'm not quite sure I have any.  Not sure how good of an idea it is to fly to another country shortly after surgery.

Right now, all I can say is thank God for health insurance & support from family and friends!! 

All I'm asking for right now is for prayers for peace for my weary heart.  My life is one big bundle of questions right now that I don't have figured out.  Pray that I would invest in my quiet time with God and rely on Him fully rather than depending on others or distracting myself from what is important.  That I would not allow myself to become anxious with all these decisions, and that through this I would become closer to Him and more fully be able to fulfill the plans he has for me here on this earth.  

I have been catching myself becoming anxious about choosing the right surgeon, or the possibility of complications, or that it wouldn't work, etc, but I appreciated the words of my roommate praying over me the other day when she said that the surgeon will not have the power during the surgery, but only the hands of God will be working within me to suture me up, to heal me, and that nothing that they do will be different than what God has in mind for me.  

I shall keep you updated on any future happenings!! 

Fun Christmas Present..

For Christmas this year I received a fun new gadget...a juicer.  So far it hasn't been one of those things that you use a ton in the first couple weeks and then set aside and forget about.  I use it multiple times a week and has made consuming the insane amount of fruits and veggies required in a day more do-able and fun.  

The Juicer

My new favorite flavor of juice...pineapple, melon, & mint leaves.  

The final product

Reasons why I LOVE juicing....

• Juicing helps you absorb all the nutrients from the fruit & vegetables. This is important because most of us have impaired digestion as a result of making less-than-optimal food choices over many years. This limits your body's ability to absorb all the nutrients from the fruit & vegetables. Juicing will help to "pre-digest" them for you, so you will receive most of the nutrition, rather than having it go down the toilet.
  
• Juicing allows you to consume an optimal amount of vegetables in an efficient manner. The National Cancer Institute believes that the rise in cancer these days has a lot to do with the lack of fruits and vegetables we are consuming. They recommend we get 5 servings of fruit and 3 servings of vegetables per day in order to get the effects from the vitamins, enzymes and phytochemicals found in them. Most people may find eating that many fruits & vegetables in a day pretty difficult, but it can be easily accomplished with a quick glass of fruit/veggie juice. 
• You can add a wider variety of vegetables in your diet. Many people eat the same vegetable salads every day. This violates the principle of regular food rotation and increases your chance of developing an allergy to a certain food. But with juicing, you can juice a wide variety of vegetables that you may not normally enjoy eating whole.  (watercress, kale, wheat grass, bok choy, collard greens)
  
• Juicing your own fruit/vegetables is obviously the healthier option rather than buying ready made juices at the supermarket. Commercial juice is pasteurized, meaning it has been heated taking away from it's vital enzymes. They also contain artificial chemical sweeteners, or artificial colors which have proven to cause cancer in some animals.  
  

I'm hoping to do a "juice fast" one of these days.  I'll let you know how it goes!